First Trimester Recap
hard. isolating. depressed. sick.
beautiful. miracle. God-sent. joyous.
First trimester was an out of body experience for me. My anxiety was high because our first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage (more on that to come). I just wanted reassurance this baby was healthy and growing. I prayed daily for nausea as a symptom to give me comfort that everything was ok.
At exactly 5 weeks gestation, my wish was granted. The nausea hit me like a freight train and I felt useless. On the plus side, at least I knew something was growing in my belly! Our first ultrasound was early, at 5w6d. Meaning, I had 7 more weeks of first trimester and a high chance of almost 2 more months of nausea (at the very least).
How could I be so grateful and so depressed at the same time? I felt like my prayers were answered and simultaneously, my life was at its lowest point. It was hard to process how these feelings could co-exist. I didn’t think I had the right to complain when I finally got all I ever wanted. It was an out of body experience. The nausea became so debilitating, I wasn’t able to live my life the way I was used to - I had no interest in exercise, went to bed at 6 pm (skipping QT with my husband), I wasn’t hanging out with anyone… I was on the fast track to depression. I felt so alone.
Not only was I nauseous and tired all of the time, I felt like my husband and I were entering into a “roommate” phase. I want to preface this by saying, my husband is the most supportive, loving, caring man I have ever met. He constantly assured me he was not feeling this way and that he was so proud of everything I had done and continue to do by growing our baby. He helped me with whatever I needed, went above and beyond to take tasks off my plate and I think this is what sparked my feeling of uselessness. I have a hard time asking for help and being taken care of. I like to be the one who cleans, cooks, does laundry. My favorite part of my day is the evening when I can relax with my husband and watch TV or talk. But none of this felt possible. I wondered if I would ever feel like myself again.
Before conceiving, I was so envious of any and all pregnant women and I promised myself when the time came, I wouldn’t fuss about anything (body image, morning sickness, etc.). I couldn’t complain now that all I ever wanted had come true. But I am here to say, you can. All your feelings are valid and I wish I was more open about this when I was going through the trenches.
Around 15 weeks of my pregnancy, I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The nausea was subsiding, I had more energy, and I was able to be more intimate with my husband. I became more open about my struggles and everything I was feeling. Before that, only my husband really knew how I felt. I was scared to say anything because I truly thought I was the only one who experienced this. Needless to say, I was not alone. I learned it is ok to not be ok.
First trimester is a season of survival. You are literally growing a human which is the most incredible gift but it doesn’t diminish how hard it is. It can feel isolating while also so beautiful. If you’re in the trenches of first trimester depression, know it’s not forever. I’m rooting for you.